R.A the Rugged Man: Legendary Classics Vol 1

I'm not gonna tongue R.A's nut sack too hard, there are plenty of people out there doing that already. But I will mention that he's just released Legendary Classics Vol 1, a collection of some bangers that should have been released but never were because he was such an uncontrollable degenerate. There's also a couple new tunes thrown in too so cop that. Also, check him owning Floyd Mayweather, who, for the record, is a pompous, self loving douche-nozzle.

Farmville will kill us all!

The New York Times has published an article on Farmville, the endlessly annoying and profoundly pointless Facebook farming game. It is now the most popular Facebook game of all time and has 62 million people signed up to it. I won't lie, I buckled under the pressure when my six year old son persuaded me to play. But that was ok cos I was totally doing it to share something with my child. However, a large percentage of players are adults with no shame who are pretend-farming their lives into a meaningless, fumbling oblivion:

"Adults, too, are blaming their problems on FarmVille, an online game in which people must tend their virtual farms carefully. On blogs like FarmVille Freak (slogan: “I can’t stop watching my crops!”) and others, people share tips on fertilizer and complain about, for example, a spouse’s addiction. An anonymous blogger who said she was pregnant wrote: “I was starving ... and he told me I’d have to wait a few more minutes so he could HARVEST HIS RASPBERRIES! I waited ... in the car and waited for his stupid raspberries to be harvested.""

Are you serious? You stupid pregnant bitch. Fuck waiting in the car, you should have marched straight into the house, plunged a rusty coat hanger up his nostril and jabbed it wildly into his mushy brain. But wait, some retard is claiming that there's some sort of deep, socio-cultural significance to the whole thing:

"“The whole concept of ‘I’m sick of this modern, urban lifestyle, I wish I could just grow plants and vegetables and watch them grow,’ there is something very therapeutic about that,” said Philip Tan, director of the Singapore-M.I.T. Gambit Game Lab, a joint venture between the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and the government of Singapore to develop digital games."

I have wasted much time playing Mafia Wars, another equally moronic and only slightly less popular Faceballs game, does that mean I secretly want to shed the humdrum grinding of daily life and go around extorting shopkeepers and plugging guidos full of lead? Actually, the answer to that is probably yes.

The Bounce Back Mixtape

Hopefully my last mixtape didn't precipitate a spate of suicides among my readers. If you're still alive and reading then I am now rewarding you with a joyous Bounce Back Mixtape that will surely be the soundtrack to your inevitable launch into stratospheric levels of happiness and self fulfillment. If you did kill yourself then you pretty much flopped it. You stupid dead douche.

Late and messed up!

SORRY.

I don't hate God, honest.

Last week I wrote a post about Roxanne Tauriello the eccentric Christian cable show host. Apparently, someone got a little upset about it and left this comment:

I totally disagree with your nasty comments about this program and it's host. I have seen many of her programs and know that her ministry has helped countless people find salvation, hope and God's forgiveness.

RoxAnne Tauriello has interviewed famous sports figures, entertainers, and many other people who have all messed up their lives due to drugs, alcohol or crime, and have come to know God through repentence and faith in Jesus Christ. In jails and prisons she helps inmates find salvation, forgiveness, and hope, even while incarcerated.

Her interview with former "Son of Sam" David Berkowitz won the CAPE (Cable award for programming excellence for best religion program). She also does ministry work with people in Africa.

Just because you are not a religious person doesn't give you the right to bash people who are. Calling ANYONE a "bitch" is just wrong. Oh, by the way...
Thank you for embedding her videos on your site. It just means that more people will get to see God's message...

Ok, Anonymous, let me just explain my reasoning behind the post. To me, and most of the people that read this blog, Roxanne Tauriello is a complete fruit loop. Her mannerisms, her clothes, her bouffant hair, they are all surreal and hilarious. I saw her Rikers Island show after watching a documentary on the prison called Scarfaces 4 Life. Even though, at times, it's one of those hyperbolic and corny "hood documentaries", it does give you an insight into the Dante-esque nightmare that is Rikers Island by way of extensive interviews with former inmates. Their accounts are brutal, frightening and moving. They often involve a lot of young black and hispanic men knifing the living shit out of each other, trapped in an endless cycle of violence and despair. I then stumbled across Roxanne's show and I couldn't believe she spent so much time harping on about the hardship of not having access to a soda machine in jail.

I should make it clear that I'm not in some global conspiracy to attack the Christian church, slander Roxanne's good name or taint her obviously illustrious career. She's just fucking weird. If she truly helps people better their lives, especially those in such awful situations, then I can do nothing but commend her. I just happen to think that scaring people with her ridiculous hairstyle, crazy eyes and rants about eternal damnation, is not the most ethical way to go about it.

I never said anything that could have led you to the assumption that I am not a religious person. I was baptised, confirmed, and went to church as a kid. And, even though I rejected what I perceived to be, obvious hypocrisies in the church and its doctrine, I still consider myself somewhat religious. I would never ridicule or fault anyone simply for going to church, mosque, synagogue or whatever.

Also, thanks for letting me know that people would watch the video after I embedded it. I had no idea that would happen.

Existentialist Meltdown Vol 1

I missed 3 Songs of the Week, but I'm making up for it because I've made you all a mixtape. A really miserable mixtape about being sad and lost and heartbroken. I also resisted the temptation to just post an entire Smith's album and limited them to one appearance. Enjoy but don't like, kill yourself or anything. Next week I'll make a much happier one.

Big Pun!

Can we please just recognise how fucking sick Big Pun was?

Rikers Island: Not a Country Club

Meet Roxanne Tauriello. She's the presenter of a bizarro Christian TV show. Below is the first part of her brilliant expose on New York's notoriously violent Rikers Island jail. This bitch is fucking crackers. Part 2 is bananas. She seems deeply affected by the fact that there are no vending machines in the can. In part 3 she goes totally balls out. First she comes to the conclusion that no, prison is not like a country club, then embarks on a sick rant about the "road to destruction" and eternal damnation.

Immature self-indulgence

This last week I have been on some sick regression tip. I feel like a complete teenage loser and have been lounging around feeling sorry for myself, listening to the Smiths and Dookie on a loop and watching Greg Mottola's latest film, Adventureland. Which actually kicked off this whole pathetic little episode. I suggest you watch it though. It's about a painfully and embarrassingly romantic kid who loves literature, gets into Columbia Journalism school but then can't afford to go. Sound a little eerily familiar? Oh wait, that's right, of course it does. It's ME.

Adventureland has captured the anxious, mournful aimlessness of being a young adult so well that I got little panic attack watching it. It's cool though, I dealt with that shit. Apparently, this film has a had a similar effect on others. Read Brandon Lee Tenney's far more articulate review to see what I mean. I also stole this picture from him.

3 Songs of the Week

Sick insomnia.

Oh no he didn't!

Anton, Anton, Anton, what have you done? You had it all going for you. Everyone thought you were a lovable, little tap-dancing douche, and you’ve gone and fucked it, son. You can’t go round calling someone a “paki” on TV. You need to step your political correctness game up, because you're just not balling, son. Strictly not balling.

SAM PARK

Reasons to be happy: Derrius Quarles

What kind of person would you be if your dad was stabbed to death when you were four and your mother was a drug addict? Chances are you would probably be a thieving, homeless meth hound with a glass eye and a hook for a hand. And, who would blame you? You could however, harness all that trauma and negative energy and use it to become a focused, hardworking ghetto champione, who ends up on a million dollar scholarship giving you a one way, all expenses paid, seat on the success train.

That’s exactly what Derrius Quarles, 19, did. Growing up predominantly in foster care and being told: “You ain’t never gonna be shit,” he decided to prove his doubters wrong and has beaten off the competition to win just one of twelve prestigious Gates Millennium scholarships. Hooray for Derrius!

SAM PARK